I’m not making any magical proclamations here. After eight years of trying hard as hell to maintain faith, I’ve realized today that I’ve finally lost it. I think this is the major reason I have an emotional difficulty getting back into worship or magic or prayer. I just don’t have any faith anymore. I’d like to, but at this point I’m too suspicious and cynical, having been disappointed, blocked and abandoned for nearly ten years. And before those years was abuse and manipulation from the Christian church I was part of, not once did anyone come to my rescue or even just to tell me that I wasn’t a despicable person that was going to hell for being a fucking teenager.
Kali is here now, but I have no faith in her. I want to, but I don’t. At this point in my life I need some receipts or something, a plan, some kind of proof and assurance that, when I reach out I won’t get silence and abandonment, or yet another cascade of bullshit and bad luck. Some assurance that worship isn’t going to be one sided, that when I come to my altar with happy news or sad news, joy or despair, offerings or curses, that I’m not going to be left on the fucking porch again, door slammed, lights out.
I’m tired of being toyed with, of being alone, of banging on a closed door like a damn anime. I need more. I can’t do less anymore. I need a reason to worship, beyond just the missive of “they deserve it.” I mean, do they? Just for being powerful? That sounds like a disaster, like a gate to abuse.
I absolutely refuse to go back to the desperate, hopeless, empty, panic-stricken chasing of a god that does not care or cannot help.
Kali, you chased me down for six years. Step up, because I keep hearing you say you already love me, but I don’t see it right now. I need more than words, I need actions, I need proof.
I need access to healthcare for me and my child. I need doctors that listen, that care, that are gonna actually look. I need to know what the everloving fuck is wrong with my body. I need someone to help me function! And honestly? I actually want to go back to work. I loved being a medical assistant. I will totally go back to school for that to expand my knowledge, or nursing. I can’t do it in this body. I can’t do it without money for application fees and tuition and books, I can’t do it without good doctors to look after me.
I need you, I’m trying to garner some faith, but I need you to at least *say* something so I can follow some directions or something. Gods above I need some fucking help, because my depression is starting to eat me alive.
Help, dammit, fucking help.
Resting in Her Wild Hands 
This is where I’ve been for the last 2 or 3 years. I got to see first hand what the lwa are capable of doing for their people and found that I couldn’t get the same results with the NTRW. It’s been a slippery slope since.
I know they exist. I just have no faith that they’ll do anything to aid us and it’s frustrating.
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I know the Deva are way capable. Just even how blunt and obvious Kali is when she wants something speaks to that, but I have no faith she’ll do anything beyond that and I’m in an angry rut because of it. I have limited energy and can’t handle more silence and abandonment and wasting of time anymore
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I’m a stranger-to-you who just happened on this post, but I’m still going to say two of the kind of things that usually get the messenger called a bitch, because I really, really hope they reach you instead. I’m saying none of this from ‘on high’. I’m saying it from the place where people who’ve messed up hang out.
1. I have never seen, in experience or in stories, a single example of any deity who thinks it’s at all cute or clever for someone to use faith as a bargaining chip to get stuff. On any list I’d make of deities it’s an especially bad idea to do that to, Kali would not only appear, she’d be first.
2. What you’re asking for is impossible right out of the gate. Proof cannot restore faith, and here’s why: Belief can exist either with or without proof; faith by definition is belief without proof. So expecting proof to restore your faith is like expecting a dancing elephant to restore a dying houseplant. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dancing elephants, but plants can’t make any use of them. Be sure you’ve got your belief, your faith, and your enthusiasm separated and defined before you go a lot further down this road. The point in short is that if you’re set on going the route of “Give me what I want or else….” at least be sure that what you’re demanding exists and is possible. And be very specific. That’s where I messed up big time.
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Hi, I had a lot to say, so I made a post to reply to you. I was ticked off, so be aware that I may be coming across harsh and argumentative, but I mean every word. I appreciate you reaching out to give me advice, but I’m afraid you misunderstood me, and that’s on me for how I wrote my post, see my new post for the full response.
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I tried to help and it didn’t work out that way, so I’m stepping away from it at this point. Escalation is of no use to either of us. I wish you well on your path.
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Did you even read my other post? Like, I’m not trying to be snarky, I’m genuinely asking, because if you’re going to give advice to strangers you should stop and listen to them, rather than backing off simply because they told you that your advice comes from a nice intent but misses the mark.
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No, I didn’t read it. You yourself characterized it as harsh and argumentative, so why would I want to when I made it clear that I was not trying to start, and did not want, an argument? I flat-out said that I failed to do what I was trying to do. Why not let that be enough?
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I said that I may come across as harsh and argumentative because I was upset. I don’t like being misunderstood and having someone essentially scold me as being unwise and foolhardy based on very wrong understanding of my words. I am not trying to argue with you, I am simply being honest that one of my flaws is to be very strong spoken when I am upset. I was trying to ask you to forgive me if I come across aggressive.
Further, if you’re going to come onto a total stranger’s post and give unsolicited advice based on what you’re assuming about their motivations, without asking any clarifying questions whatsoever, then I feel it is your responsibility to listen when they say that you misunderstood them, to care about why you failed to do what you were trying to do. I’m not just blowing you off because I don’t like what you said, or because I don’t care or whatever. It’s because you misunderstood what I was expressing, and why I was expressing it, and so your advice is not only way off base but comes off condescending. If you actually care, then you should strive to understand what my issue is and why I have one.
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