That First Lesson is the Hardest

The first lesson is self love.

Religion is ableist as hell. I don’t mean faith, spiritual paths. I mean the “rules taught by men” as is often quoted in the Bible. There are few resources I have found for worship across three religions and paganism in general that is neurodivergent and disability friendly. Even the “simple” things are not often simple if you’re not able bodied and neurotypical.

If a resource starts with “take a shower/purify oneself” it’s not disability friendly. I can’t shower every day, I would have to sacrifice some other important activity. I have to rest after every shower, and then still do whatever ritual/prayer/worship I was trying to do. Those ten steps aren’t easy, to get and organize offerings and supplies. Plus I have a toddler. Everything I see says “mornings” or, gods forfend, dawn. If I’m up at dawn it means I haven’t slept, it means I’m dizzy and in pain, it means I’m already down spoons for handling my kiddo.

I’m bitching about this particularly because I’m in a flare so I have half my normal spoons anyway, and then to have every reliable resource give me a multistep, multi ingredient script and basically guilt trip me as a subpar devotee for not doing it.

I realize this is ridiculous of course. I know that I don’t have to do complex, long winded, etc worship. Reading scripture counts, prayer too, meditating, mantras, creative works. I know, intellectually, that all that really matters is one’s earnest, fervent devotion and love.

That doesn’t make it any easier emotionally to not feel like a fucking failure.

I want to do all the involved stuff. Like, desperately so. And, try as I might, I can’t quite get rid of the Christian notion that I’m not good enough and never will be. The church I grew up in didn’t always say that so explicitly, but the idea was still “you’re not good enough as you are even though we say come as you are.” Since every good thing you were, or did, or had, was only ever by the “grace of God”, but every bad thing you were, did or that happened to you was only ever your fault for not being good enough, or as a test or punishment, since abuse was often excused, even warranted, because “sinner”, I grew up never feeling enough. There’s other reasons too, but the emotional abuse at the church was a huge factor.

After all, I never got any response to prayers, not positive at least. That was always blamed on me, for not doing a whole hell of a lot of really trivial shit in the grand scheme of things. There were an awful lot of caveats to grace and mercy from an all loving god. Why didn’t my strong desire to be good enough matter? To be devoted? Wasn’t that supposed to be the gate to grace? Wasn’t it supposed to be freely given despite being human? Why do I need to repent for just being human? (Cuz hoo boy a lot of things I was commanded to repent from were just being a fucking teenager learning and exploring and puberty for fuck’s sake)

Here I am, before another god. I wish I’d known Her sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache I think, had I known Kali sooner. Alas, I didn’t, and I probably wouldn’t have gone near Her anyway, “other gods are demons to lead you astray” and all that. But by Her blessed black feet I need Her. And it’s hard, because I want to do all sorts of stuff for Her and I can’t. I am disabled, I am poor, I cannot do what I want.

The first lesson is self love.

That I am good enough as is. That She truly cares more about my sincerity, my fervent and earnest devotion, the motivation behind my actions and prayers, my faith, more than anything else. I struggle intensely with this. I mean, really, really intensely. So much so that I haven’t prayed at shrine in at least two weeks. Because I feel shame, shame that I am not good enough, that I am not doing it “right”, that I am dirty and tired and can hardly sit on the floor. That I can’t bring Her flowers and food and do any lengthy puja. I can barely do a short one. I can’t get up early, I struggle at night.

I try every day to remind myself that many things count as worship and praise. Many things count as devotion. It was never enough in the past though, and so I struggle with accepting that it’s enough now, that what I can do is enough, even if it’s not much.

In some ways also I think I’m still afraid of Her. A god who cares? Like, really cares? Is so palpable just in mundane awareness? Won’t this just get more intense the more I worship and connect? What do I do with that? That’s scary! It’s not been a year since I really started connecting and I’ve felt Her presence more clearly than I ever did with Anpu in five years. There’s many reasons for that but still. Still. How do you even handle a god that’s right there.

Quite frankly it just makes it feel even scarier to fail, to be inferior. I’ve been treated like a disappointment so much that I hate the thought of disappointing Kali. I hate the thought of being less than, an inferior devotee, who has the audacity to come to the altar bare handed and not having showered in one or two days. I’m already the devotee who does nothing but ask and beg.

I already feel like such a subpar failure in many aspects of my life. It hurts to not be able to do so much. It hurts to be inadequate. It’s hard to hear “you’re enough” from a god though, because hey, it could just as easily be my brain making shit up! Enough people have certainly made me feel like I’m fucking crazy. Enough people accuse me of making excuses, of exaggerating, of being lazy and unwilling to try. “It’s so simple!” “It’s not that hard.” “Sometimes we just have to push through.”

I am part of the Supreme Being. She is in all things, She has made all things, She is all things. I am Hers by right, and as a mother takes her child’s love in all forms, so does She take mine. Goddess help me learn this, help me not to fear.

A Persistent Story

I’m a writer. Kinda obvious, but I mean of fiction and poetry. Mental illness and physical illness have conspired against me and my writing for years. I used to churn out poems all the time, now I rarely do. I still compose, but usually if I’m not immediately able to write it down, it evaporates and corrupts. I can’t finish any story, sometimes I’m lucky to get a few thousand words. It hurts, really. I used to be really good at it.

Regardless, I have stories in my head. There is one that just resolutely refuses to go away. It has a thousand iterations, and I can never, ever, write it down, but it also muscles every other story out too. It’s a painful story.

The MC is always traumatized. Violence happens in every version, no matter how different the settings. It’s basically me trying to work out my trauma, but it’s pretty exaggerated. Usually the MC is going through things that are far removed from my actual experiences. Not always, but often enough. It’s my own personal little terror story, and it does, in fact, terrorize me and I terrorize it back.

MC always gets a loving partner that is super supportive and handles all their shit with way too much perfection. It’s rarely the parents that inflict suffering (definitely not true for my actual life), if they’re even all that present. I often can’t help but give the poor piece of my soul that is MC money and financial security and a job and status I’ve always wanted.

Ah, but that’s just the nice parts. Last night it lashed out at me. See, in this iteration, MC has confronted a villain that tortured her. MC can shapeshift, so villain didn’t know she’s actually a girl, and MC was in a weakened state because still recovering from torture and trauma. Villain tried to kidnap her, and MC (with a small dose of help from Excellent Boyfriend) managed to use the distraction to stab villain in the fucking spine. However, Excellent Boyfriend stopped her from killing villain and the sheer distress. I can’t tell you how often this neverending story causes me actual distress and anxiety. Anytime I write anything I have that problem, I am not detached from any story I try to write.

That’s not actually the point of telling you this. MC always has a goddess. Sometimes they pay a lot of attention (MC isn’t always a chick) to their goddess and other times she has to blow the door down. Sound familiar? This stupid shadow work story started around the same time Kali showed up.

Guess who the goddess most closely resembles!

It’s funny, knowing something has a purpose doesn’t necessarily make it easier to go along with it.

Part of the reason I can’t write this down (besides executive dysfunction, and the distress of writing down something that is full of trauma that doesn’t even necessarily have a point besides suffering) is because I can’t figure out how to move MC forward. Which is pretty reasonable considering I don’t know how to move myself forward. That I frequently still deal with the family that traumatizes me, though maybe more “mildly” I guess than ten years ago, doesn’t help.

The last couple days said goddess keeps muscling into the story, it keeps muscling into my brain space. She is embracing, comforting, empowering (and I mean literally giving divine power). Talking, reminding that she’s there, that MC can see her, can hear her (that’s where my last untitled devotional poem came from in fact). Obliterating the world for MC for a moment, literally overwhelming with her divine strength and love to calm and soothe. Also filling her with the strength to completely destroy her enemies. She holds out her hands and cupped between them is her energy, soothing or strengthening, sometimes both. She sneaks up from behind and embraces, covering eyes to shut out the pain, whispering words to drown out cruelty, whether forthright or disguised.

I could really use that.

I’ve been having dreams warning me that my mom is going to call me and aggravate the hell out of me. It’s weird, since I don’t normally have such literal, prophetic dreams. I’ve always had weird ass dreams, normal ones throw me for a loop. I guess that’s one way to reach out. I mean, it’s definitely nice to have a warning, I can keep myself calm and soothed.

I want to see what’s on the other side of the abyss.

So look.

I can’t see, it’s too dark.

Of course you can see, you just forgot how, don’t you know you have the moon in your eyes?

I’m weird, I know. It’s hard, because I don’t want to be just imagining things. It’s hard because I want to trust so badly but I have been failed so much.

I can’t go back to before. I don’t want to. At the same time, I feel like I’m not doing enough. Is it really just enough to pray with beads? To worship in a realm inside my mind, where some piece of my heart is as healthy (physically) and wealthy as I have always envied? Is this ok? I feel like all I do is bitch and moan in despair. I feel despair lately, withering exhaustion, frustration and apathy all at once. I’ve always had chronic health concerns (asthma mostly) but goddess above and below am I tired of suffering, especially when I have repeatedly been rebuffed by people who could not care less. Who don’t believe me, who can’t help me, or who I can’t access. I just keep losing.

That, more than anything, is my most persistent story.

I saw this statue on eBay the other day, and I wish I had the money for it. It’s not even particularly expensive, but like, I still can’t buy it. I don’t have a nice place to put it either, something else I definitely want. I wish I had more energy, but currently I’m suffering from a flare, so I’m having a hard time just doing the bare minimum necessary for myself and my daughter. I am hoping my fiance is able to get this job he’s looking into, and I hope that, if he does, he really enjoys it. Either way, I like, want him to like his job. He deserves it, and he works hard. I worry every day I’m not doing enough for my kid, but she’s fairly happy, or seems such. I’m a worrywort at heart.

Trying to remind myself that worship and prayer doesn’t need to be high maintenance and exhausting. It’s hard, because really, how easy is it to find disability friendly advice on any religious matters? You should already know the answer, although I did find some interesting posts on tumblr today. I wish I had someone to ask specifically about Hindu stuff though. For now I’m going to try and remind myself to read this book I have. Cognitive dysfunction and executive dysfunction are ass.

Response

So, I received a comment last night on my Faith is Hard post. It’s a long reply and I have a lot to say, since the comment is public I imagine the commenter shouldn’t have too much of an issue with my replying in this fashion. Here’s the comment in whole:

I’m a stranger-to-you who just happened on this post, but I’m still going to say two of the kind of things that usually get the messenger called a bitch, because I really, really hope they reach you instead. I’m saying none of this from ‘on high’. I’m saying it from the place where people who’ve messed up hang out.

1. I have never seen, in experience or in stories, a single example of any deity who thinks it’s at all cute or clever for someone to use faith as a bargaining chip to get stuff. On any list I’d make of deities it’s an especially bad idea to do that to, Kali would not only appear, she’d be first.

2. What you’re asking for is impossible right out of the gate. Proof cannot restore faith, and here’s why: Belief can exist either with or without proof; faith by definition is belief without proof. So expecting proof to restore your faith is like expecting a dancing elephant to restore a dying houseplant. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dancing elephants, but plants can’t make any use of them. Be sure you’ve got your belief, your faith, and your enthusiasm separated and defined before you go a lot further down this road. The point in short is that if you’re set on going the route of “Give me what I want or else….” at least be sure that what you’re demanding exists and is possible. And be very specific. That’s where I messed up big time

Clearly I wasn’t as articulate as I’d like to be, since this person misunderstands me. That’s not on them, but I have to say I do not appreciate the assumptions made about me, my thoughts and thought process, motivations and such.

First, I just don’t like it when people presume to tell others how to approach their gods. Gods can defend themselves, and I am not new to non-Abrahamic religions. Second, it’s clear this person doesn’t actually know that much about Hinduism, or Kali, because there is a whole genre of devotional poetry that basically talks smack to the gods to prompt them to help their worshipers. I have a book of such poetry specifically devoted to Kali.

Even in Kemeticism, there is liturgy where you proclaim yourself another god, specifically to make demands of the god you’re petitioning, and various other ways to make really bold demands of the gods and talk shit to them. Just because it is not in your experience of whatever religions you follow or have learned about, doesn’t mean that no religions are like that. Even with Kali, there is more than one sect of Kali worship, Hinduism is HUGE, it is even more diverse than Christianity. You do not know all the ways it is acceptable to approach someone else’s gods.

I am approaching Kali in a way she has told me to, in an approved way. I have the presence of mind to pay attention to what my gods tell me is or is not an acceptable way to deal with them. Don’t tell me about how to approach Kali unless you worship her too, and even then be wary, because my devotion to her is not yours. I don’t care that the whole world sees her as a scary, crazy bitch that will just as soon smite you as look at you. She is the Destroyer, but she is also Mother, and her destruction is as the cremation grounds, burning away the dead, the old, the useless, to pave a path for renewal and rejuvenation.

I have shadow work to do, and learning to unapologetically speak up for myself, to embrace my fangs and sword without shame is part of it. I spent my entire life being told I’m too wild, too fierce, too headstrong, being told I’m arrogant, selfish, self-righteous and vain, just because I refuse to be meek and demure, because others are afraid of me or insecure and jealous of how intelligent I am, or because they’re angry that I no longer see them as an authority on high and demand to be treated like an equal rather than an underfoot child.

Do I still need to be careful not to go too far, and trample the world under me? Obviously, yes, and that is a lesson Kali teaches as well. She can discipline me if she’s so inclined. I appreciate you trying to protect me from a potentially harsh lesson from a harsh goddess, but, you don’t understand. Furthermore, she is not always harsh and destructive, and I wish people would learn that part about her, instead of stopping at her most famous story as the slayer of demons, covered in blood, dressed in heads and severed arms, who crushed the world beneath her dancing feet and stepped on her husband.

Also, I’m not trying to be “cute” or “clever”. I’m not using faith as a bribe or bargaining chip and I don’t appreciate the implication against my character. I am angry. I am angry that I have tried my whole life to be a good devotee, to have faith, to trust, and been let down, outright rejected, neglected and ignored. In the case of the Christian god I have been outright abused. I have been faithful in fallow times, in good times, in bad and horrible times, and when I really needed the gods, they weren’t there for me. Full stop, they failed to even show up and talk to me. I never got any comfort in my worst moments, they never had any reasons or answers in my best. They took credit for nothing, they gave nothing, and I was suffering. I did everything they asked and still suffered their silence and inaction for years.

This isn’t about “belief without evidence” which I dispute as a definition for faith in regards to religion.

1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

   “this restores one’s faith in politicians”
2. 2.

   strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

This is about trust, this is about anguish, this is about rage. Devotion can not happen if I lack trust, if I am anguished and angry, and I am demanding, that if Kali wants me as her devotee that fucking badly, that she earn it. I will not do blind faith again, I will not be a believer out of fear, apprehension, desperation again. I don’t have the mental and emotional fortitude for it, I don’t have the physical energy for it, I don’t have the money and resources for it. If she wants something from me, she has to enable it to happen, whether that be money or energy or time. She has to actually do what she says she will, because she says she loves me but I’ve had two other gods say the same thing and in the end they didn’t and couldn’t do anything, and they weren’t even responsive when all I was asking for was comfort and relief from suffering.

No. I will not be scolded like a petulant child asking too much when I have damn good reasons to be angry and mistrustful. I will make demands of this goddess who stalked me for six years and stomped into my home and claimed a seat. You want that seat? Make me want to give it to you, give me reason to love having you there, give me reasons to joyfully proclaim that seat yours and yours alone. Give me cause to proudly and lovingly offer to you.

It is not impossible right out of the gate. Proof of love, of caring, that is possible, and that’s what I’m looking for. If you actually care about me, be different from how the others have treated me. I am suspicious and wary because I’ve been bitten before. “Once bitten, twice shy”, except I’ve been bitten, beaten down, discarded, ignored, more than once. Gods don’t have the right to abuse us with impunity, to use us and forget us, to ditch us at our weakest and demand the most of us any other time. I refuse to be devoted to that anymore. If Kali can’t handle that, it is not my problem. I know she can handle that though, I am not being unreasonable.

Look, I am an emotional and physical abuse survivor, I’ve been the victim of sexist, racist, abusive medical care, and I will not accept being told that I can’t ask people and gods to show they care, to show they are not going to treat me like I’ve been treated before, to be willing to reassure me that they are going to be there for me when I need them and actually fucking do it. It’s not impossible to restore my faith, my faith in medical professionals was literally restored by ONE doctor, and that one person is the only reason I still have faith that I’ll get some fucking answers to my medical problems.

I am sure that what I am demanding exists and is possible. If I can expect it from humans then I can expect it from a god. I will not be bullied and neglected anymore, and requiring someone who blasted down my door to show they aren’t just here to abuse me is not impossible! I’m really rather offended that you think this is a “give me what I want or else” deal. I am only asking her to put her power where her mouth is. She says she loves me and wants me to love her, that she will help and protect me, so I’m simply saying she do it sooner rather than later, and that I cannot chalk it up to chance or coincidence.

You don’t know me or my relationship with Kali.

Also, I would never call you a bitch.

Struggle with Disability 2

This is more a post to let people know they’re not alone. Everyone intellectually knows that, but knowing something intellectually doesn’t mean the knowledge is visceral, absorbed, emotionally integrated.

I’ve got mental health problems. Anyone here from my last blog probably knows about that. I’ve had depression and anxiety since high school. I’ve had dissociative episodes, depersonalization and derealization specifically. Intrusive thoughts galore, some mild paranoia (mostly spiritual and relationship based), possible hallucinations and delusions. I will be honest, I don’t know 100% if my struggles actually qualify as delusions or hallucinations or not. It varies in severity, and most of the worst stuff only comes out when the depression is extreme.

It is SO hard sometimes. Being a witch, worshipping non-Christian gods, especially since I grew up with the narrative that anything that wasn’t the Christian god is a demon, a devil, a trick to swallow you up and send you to hell. Oh man, so much of that religion is controlling and abusive. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. The fear mongering is real. I can’t even share my blog on my facebook freely because I don’t need some of my friend’s list jumping on my posts talking about struggling to tell me how my problem is who I’m worshipping, and a bunch of unnecessary and unwanted prayer to a god I hate.

I don’t talk about my mental health much on my facebook for the same reasons. No desire to get invalidated, don’t want their prayers, nor do I want the nosy ass “why are you depressed” bs.

I hate the love and light and ultra positivity crap that’s rampant in paganism. You cannot cure everything with hyper positive bullshit, and I’m not necessarily causing or worsening my mental health by not subscribing to it. Yes, positive thinking can help, but to blame people for their biopsychosocial illness, especially if the circumstances contributing to that illness have not changed, because they aren’t “positive” or “optimistic” enough, is callous. I am poor, chronically ill, undiagnosed, and have no health insurance and therefore no healthcare. All the positivity in the world isn’t going to change those things and they have a huge impact on my mental stability.

If you say I’m “attracting” those things by negative attitudes or whatever, then you’re attracting my fist to your face. It’s ableist as hell, and cruel and thoughtless as fuck, full stop. It’s hard to be positive and trust the gods and pray and whatnot when your brain is drop kicking you in the face and also playing 2 truths and a lie, but it’s actually 2 lies, with your spirituality.

Stop Telling Disabled Believers It’s a Test

One of the worst things you can say to a disabled person of faith (any faith) is that they’re at fault for their illness. That they don’t have enough faith, implying they’re being punished for failure to abide arbitrary rules (like attending church). I really fucking despise when people tell anyone that their god/the universe deliberately caused them suffering. Like, not even because they’re failing at devotion or whatever, but for shits and giggles.

God is testing you!

God is trying to strengthen your faith!

God won’t give you more than you can handle!

It’s to teach a lesson/make you better person!

Are you fucking kidding me? Honestly, why do we worship any of these beings then? If they are really tormenting people with lifelong, crushing illness as “tests” and “lessons” and strengthening exercises, why do we want their attention, their affection? Lessons and tests are finite, so why diseases that never go away? That cause untold amounts of suffering, are incurable and some of which barely even have treatments? Like, my trigeminal neuralgia has no cure. Surgical treatments can make it worse, and even the most commonly successful option has the risk of returning. Not to mention they all come with risks like deafness, brain infection, stroke.

What god gave me this excrutiating condition that makes it hard to even deal with a cold breeze as a test that way I can curse their name and spit.

I don’t want to hear any of that “gods are wiser/have unknowable plans” bullshit. Using fear and physical punishment to gain/keep worshippers is abuse. I don’t want tests. Shit happens, shit sucks, not everything is a test, has a purpose or is a lesson. They’re awful lessons anyway. What is it supposed to teach us? Perserverance? We can get that without having our bodies struck down, and going through the humiliation and cruelty of poverty, ableism and whatever comes with our diseases and disorders.

There is a tropical location and all yall assholes saying that poorly thought out, compassionless crap out of “positivity” and good intentions are building the road there.